Brianna jacobs

From Inside To Outside (mom0106)

 

     I'm short 5'2, always have been the shorter one in a crowd. Would have like a few more inches. My hair is thinning now that menopause has struck. Used to be curly and thick. As a teen, I struggled to blow it straight. Liked the texture better then even though I didn't think so.. The  grays are starting to come in more with a vengeance, and are not accepting the hair dye so well. Not happy with this. Too young to go all gray now. My breasts were very small when I was younger which made me want larger  ones. Now after having children I realize I appreciate the smaller size compared to the  droopy D cup I now have.  I have always struggled to keep my weight in check which has become even more difficult after 50. Even when I was thin, I never felt toned. I never liked my thick thighs which made my knees seem fat,  or my wide bottom, though my husband used to say he loved my heart shaped butt.

     I've always liked my feet. Not too big or small. Prettier polished. My stomach used to be toned and flat.  Now it is scarred from my twins C-section and a hysterectomy. the skin is loose from both, and even when I lose weight it wont go away. It is now a reminder that I gave life to two beautiful children, a surprise miracle. It also reminds me that I was lucky enough that cancer was not found during my hysterectomy.  My face is aging gracefully I guess. No wrinkles on my forehead or eyes. My skin is getting a little looser at the jawline.  I must have  had a fun life because I have those laugh lines around my mouth that I don't know how to erase without some expensive treatment I cant afford. They call them parenthesis.... My eyes have grown weaker, so they need glasses to see everything clearer. No matter what glasses I buy, they are not right. Would love to wear contacts, but dry eye syndrome has made that difficult. Don't like feeling old.

     I always thought I would be beautiful outside because my mother was always told how young she looks even at 81. I thought I would inherit that, but I inherited my dads aging looks instead. Not as attractive on a woman. I Haven't accepted it and will fight it til I cant anymore. Makes me sad. it sounds like I am not happy with myself. Most of my life I was satisfied and believed I was attractive and was told so. I don't dwell on it. I try to be the best I can be in all respects. I focus myself on watching my beautiful children, be beautiful.  if I was to write this at age 40, it would be a lot more positive than at 53. Yes there are a ton of things I would change on myself physically, but inside I am beautiful and that, nothing can change. I will continue to try to make myself feel better on the outside because nothing else would be acceptable to me.  

- mom06106