Brianna jacobs

These Hands (Kim)

 

     I’ve never really given much thought to my body, and I’ve certainly never described it in such detail to anyone, not even myself. There are a few things right off the bat that I admittedly don’t like. Number one being my stomach. How cliche. While I am relatively thin, I have what I call my “pudge”. An area of soft belly fat that stretches across my stomach just below my belly button. I’ve always found it to protrude in an obnoxious way, and have always pushed and pulled it between my fingers to spread it thin and create the illusion of the perfectly flat belly I longed for. I hate the point where I feel it necessary to wear baggier shirt in order to hide it, and avoid anything tight, I have never done anything to change it. Never, have I started doing regimented sit ups or changed my diet. I couldn’t tell you why that is. I suppose if I really wanted it gone I would actively do something about it. But as I think about the “pudge” I don’t think it’s as noticeable as I believe it to be. Standing in profile view to the mirror, sucking my stomach in and out, yes, it is there, but in the scheme of things it’s not that bulging, and even though I don’t have a perfect flat belly, it adds a slight curve to my already boyishly-straight figure which is nice. What’s the big deal about a little belly fat anyway? And why do we feel the need to be so perfect!? Well I’m not perfect and this little “pudge” is testament to that. It is an imperfection that makes ME!

     The other part of my body I loathe is my nose. I can’t quite recall when exactly it became too large for my face, during puberty I suppose, but to say the least it was one of my features I felt the most self-conscious about for a long time. Looking straight on it looks fine, thin and narrow but from the profile. Nope. It has an ugly bump at the bridge and is annoyingly huge. A beak. Every time I drew a self portrait I always hated drawing my nose, and often drew it even larger than it was in real life. I had such a warped view of it, in my head it consumed my whole face. I’m not sure when I finally made peace with my nose, but now I see it just as another defining characteristic of Kim. I was born with this nose and it’s not going anywhere. I think I finally realized that it was pointless to keep hating on it and just finally accepted it. Now I rarely think about my nose at all and instead look at my face as a whole and how all the features work together to make me.

     My body as a whole is long, thin and straight. I’m fairly tall for a woman - at 5’7”, and I really like that, my favorite and most noticeable feature are my legs, which constitutes the most to my height. Ironically I was always one of the shortest kids in my class growing up. They are long and thin, with lean muscles. I have a mole behind my knee and a scar around my left ankle. They stem from my tiny little bottom. And while I used to consider myself lacking a butt altogether, a close friend of mine once told me I had a cute little “Kim butt”. Which made me laugh and still entertains me to no end. This small comment made me look at my little Kim butt in a whole new light and I now have a fold affection towards it. My hips are small and narrow, to fit my little bum, my waist and bust are small as well. And while growing up I always wished my breasts were a little bit bigger, I no longer feel that way. I love that they’re tiny handfuls of soft flesh. One of the best advantages of a small bust is being able to go braless, which I do quite often. I love my narrow shoulders and the little bumps of my collar bone. I love my fair skin spotted with numerous moles and freckles - despite its constant need for attention with sun block and cover-ups in the summertime. I love my plump earlobes and my big blue eyes with their semi blonde eyelashes. I love my thick blonde hair and I love the way it feels when I swish it across my bare shoulders. I love the arch of my eyebrows and the beauty mark on my left eyelid which can only be seen up close. I especially love my long fingers tipped with strong nails that rarely break, I can grow them to quite the length and given the attention of polish, they could pass for salon quality care. The back of my hands are covered in thin, smooth, translucent skin, which allows my thin blue veins to show through slightly. My palms have recently been taking a lot of wear and tear from my addiction to printmaking. Blisters have formed and healed, layers of skin have built up at the base of my fingers and on the inside of my thumbs. They make my hands less dainty. More hearty. These are hand that work hard and have endured much pain so that I can create. I think I love my hands the most because they are the matrix that allows the things I see with my eyes and process with my brain to become a reality and flow into the physical world. It amazes me that sometimes my hands seem to move faster than my brain and create these things I never knew were possible. This is truly an amazing and wonderful thing.

- Kimberly McCarthy